June 24, 2026

slides into...i suppose my own dms? haha. i am so utterly dreadful at keeping up any real consistency with updating! but goddamn, i am always gonna be skedaddling back at some point!

anywho, been kind of a wild last month. i dislike vagueposting, so i'll just leave it at: wow. cheaters suck.

i'll keep this short since i'm just trying to get back into the swing of things (for the millionth time lol) and restructured how i was blogging so it should be neater, i hope? who knows. i gotta remember how to code again...

oh! and i have a second cat now! i need to update my about page to reflect my adorable new menace of a daughter! as of writing, she's about 11 weeks old and utterly insane. orz i cannot wait until she's a bit older...

Media BS

1. adolesence of utena a rewatch! but this time, i got to see it in a theater, which absolutely slapped. extra fun to have seen it in pride month.

November 21, 2025

HOLY SHIT I'M NOT JUST BLOGGING A WHOLE YEAR AFTER THE LAST ENTRY!!!

haha, i've been drinking a bit. my eyes hurt pretty bad earlier, and i was trying to (unsuccessfully) divine how the fuck one adds downloaded games from less-than-legal sites onto a hacked ps vita. yeah, so turns out it is extremely easy and my brain was leaking out of my ears. ._.

i've been particularly on about beefing up my rom collection this past week or so. my ps2 rom folder is like...over 200 gb at this point. truly, a console of my heart. i wanted to similarly beef up the selection on my hacked 3ds, but whoops... my current laptop cannot read sd cards and i lost the...whatever you call a usb thing meant to bridge that problem. i'm drinking. i'm not looking it up.

mmm. yeah! just some low-key rambling, i guess!

Media BS

1. heaven official's blessing vol. 8 is something i have officially cracked open, but i haven't made too much progress yet.
2. my eye pain has been so bad today that i put off starting demonschool again. :(
3. i was too engrossed in the bad hentai dub vibes last entry that i forgot to mention it, but i've been replaying hotel dusk: room 215. currently on chapter 4. it's been many years since i last played it, but it's always been a game that has stuck with me. there are few things on the nintendo ds like cing games.

November 20, 2025

long time no blog......................part the third!!!

haha, oh boy. i have a bad habit of falling into a slump on this stuff, huh? this year was particularly bad for me towards the start. not to get too deep into politics (and i discuss my mental state a bit more in my rambling here, toward the bottom), but i'm american. the trump reelection did not do good things for my mental health or my view on humanity as a whole. it took me some time before i crawled my way out of that despair hole. i've been really happy just doing small tweaks or updates lately on the site, though! i always feel like i have too many time-hungry hobbies, so just putting a bit of time into it every few days is possibly a good way to keep up on it?

idk i'm just sort of rambling.

you really start to understand why adults become so cynical and disbelieving of anything changing as you personally get older. it's hard to maintain a belief in people being more good than bad. it still feels so silly to say, but playing enderal this year did so much for my mental health. (again, see here lol.) there's always a chance that next time things will be better, and that's something i need to believe to just fall over depressed, haha.

i'm going to keep trying my best and continuing even when the despair does win.

Media BS

1. an indie game i have been waiting well over a year to release, demonschool, finally dropped yesterday! i had it all downloaded and ready to play, but i ended up spending my evening differently. i saw a clip of a hentai anime with a bad english dub, and i was so immediately determined to know the truth behind this alleged grandpa deathfuck!
2. so i spent an hour before bed watching a bad hentai anime called mamahaha (or the duchess of busty mounds). i had to go through so many hentai sites before i could find the dub. they kept only having subs, completely misunderstanding that my motivation to watch this cheaply animated porn was not for said busty mounds but for the quality english dub. it was two episodes, and god...there is something so special about a consistently entertaining bad english hentai dub... it turns out that the grandpa deathfuck was a voluntary choice between the mc's stepmom (she of busty mounds) and the mc's grandpa. grandpa was already on his way out and wanted to exhaust himself via horny. what really shocked me, though, was that the stepmom convinced the mc to have grandpa's dick cast in bronze, so she could keep it...and then she started talking about doing the same to the mc while recycling other dirty talk she'd used with grandpa. it culminated in the reveal that she seems to have been poisoning and bronzing the dicks of past lovers! somehow, this mid hentai anime had a genuine plot twist that recontextualized the rest of the story and slightly elevated it.
3. i am on the last heaven official's blessing novel! i'll miss grandpa and his husband, but i'm so fucking ready to be done with this translator's work. my friend emily has promised me that scum villain reads much nicer.

May 20, 2024

long time no blog (again). i fall off the webdev horse for a bit and then it takes me so damn long to find the strength to crawl back on it. something something i have so little time in the day for all of my hobbies and things i want to do and we are marching towards our inevitable demise blah blah blah.

my eyes kind of hurt right now, and i was a Headache Weekend (tm). i'm just so tired--and very keen to move out. i don't understand what is wrong with my dad and why he jumps to aggression so fast, but it's really exhausting. my friend, xofi, kindly let me borrow his ps5 so i could ffvii rebirth, so i had been towards the end of my vii remake last night. very fun! having a great time! and my dad just randomly asks if i could shut it off. i was kind of thrown and hesitantly like "i can turn down the volume if you want?" and he was like "well then that's what i'm asking." i started to ask why did he start off so aggressive then, but gave up and just went upstairs. i'm probably not explaining it terribly well because ahhh the cranium aching, but boy...the fun of the repeat pattern of a man jumping to extremes as a starting point and being weirdly aggressive...

gonna try to be weekly about blogging again because it's nice to do even if i don't always have a ton to say.

Media BS

1. currently towards the end of a final fantasy vii remake replay! it's really so goddamn perfect and such fun. viir doesn't know what cringe even is, and i love that. i'm soooo excited to get to new-to-me stuff like intermission finally!!

December 19, 2023

always so torn on how much of my irl self is okay to bleed over into my online self. (˘･_･˘) not that it's a major consideration since i've met with online friends before and will pretty quickly tell new friends my irl name, but my cat is really cute and i see others make pages dedicated to their pets... i don't want to linger on how even cats are afflicted with mortality, but it's a nice thing to do for memory's sake maybe... i usually avoid posting any pictures of my cat publically because i'm convinced he's recognizable, but that could also just be me being blinded by sheer love for him. of course he's the cutest and sweetest and most recognizable cat in the world. have you seen him? you'll remember him then.

he went to the vet yesterday for his yearly checkup, and he! was! so! good! he's a gentle, albeit anxious, boy, so he'll never scratch or bite when it comes time to go in the carrier, but he will struggle. this time, though? oh, darling boy walked right in when i brought him over! i was so proud! \^o^/ and then he proceeded to meow meow like the saddest little boy in the world for the whole trip there and back and in the waiting room. good bill of health for my son...

been thinking on some other stuff and the degree of sharing i feel comfortable with. it's weird that i've gotten maybe a bit more paranoid about this as i've gotten older. currently 30, so i began using the internet in the era where you were warned to never share personal information online no matter what! that attitude has...hm, i don't know if i'd say "changed" or more so "shifted" because it still feels like a default wisdom on some level, but not if you're having a professional presence online or on sites like facebook, those sort of things expect you to maintain an online version of your real self within reason. we've accepted the connection between real life and the internet to that point. i guess i'd say it's changed mostly for the younger generation that i see with lists of their mental illnesses and triggers on carrd or whatever because nooooo, don't put that all there! and i thought i was loose about my personal security online! it's the opposite of weird to not do that! there can be a balance in being an authentic version of yourself and not informing someone on how to hurt you!

man, i'm hungry and yawning. i should finish this then go by that nice local coffee place. (fingers crossed they have chocolate croissants!!)

Media BS

1. wow, the uncle/nephew in ghost of tsushima. (´▽`ʃ♡ƪ) that's the good shit. uncle loves jin and expresses his care through layers of samurai stoicism. he can't lose you again, jin! also stop hanging around that peasant lady. she is clearly a bad influence!!
2. cranked out some last-minute boxes for the santa martha lotto in fgo. santa martha was much cuter than i expected... nice little event. YANYAN HOT MESS EVENT SOOOOON.

December 14, 2023

can't really tell if my eye pain is making a comeback because the temperature has been from seasonal allergies getting set off by the up-and-down temperature lately, orrrrrrr... :( i need to find another chiro, or physical therapist. the chiro i saw earlier this year did succeed at reducing my pain, and while i did stop seeing him in part because my pain had become much more manageable, it was mostly due to my insurance refusing to cover some sessions. i still haven't heard about any payments i owe for that, so... but it has me nervous that some surprise payments are going to pop up and bankrupt me lmao...

i should probably start being more proactive in taking painkillers again when the aching hits. ╯︿╰ the pain tanks my ability to get pretty much anything done during the day, and i don't need another reason contributing to my Oh God Death Is Inevitable And My Time On This Earth Is Finite crisis.

it'll be okay! ƪ(˘⌣˘)ʃ

Media BS

1. i finished my replay of tyranny! i definitely want to try playing again soon so i can do a new route. the world building still hits like crack cocaine to my apotheosis-fascinated mind, and sirin and lantry are the best. whew, though, act 3 goes by so fast and then the game is over. it really is a pity that tyranny didn't garner more attention because i'd really love to see more in this setting!
2. ahhhh, low-key obscenely proud of myself for finally starting ghost of tsushima!!! i nabbed it for my ps4 early this year after being tempted by descriptions of the uncle/nephew relationship at its center then...just didn't touch it. once i get to move out next year, i'd like to use my ps4 (and eventual ps5 because i cannot survive a world where ffvii rebirth gets spoiled for me!!!!!!) more. (‾◡◝) i just...don't really like to play games when either of my parents are in the living room downstairs because i'm wildly self-conscious. (never forget when i was playing nier gestalt as a wee era and my mom walked in to be confused over why i was weeping over a book.) it's just nicer to be alone or only at risk of amanda being present. i only got through the prologue-ish bits thus far, but i've been very impressed by the visuals. how realistic things look barely matters to me, but the use of color and framing of shots...mmm, good stuff!
3. fgo... ahaha...pretend i'm not making panicked noises because the santa martha event is ending today or tomorrow and i haven't even started it. i have been extremely slow to play the last few events and need to get back in the rhythm!!

November 28, 2023

haaaaaa, it is truly the holiday season, and my wallet is truly empty. i still have so many gifts left to buy and owe my mom and sibling money for gifts were both/all going in on. and i would probably have more money if i hadn't chosen to browse toranoana and been tempted by the wonderful goods on display, but i deserve all of those doujinshi, okay! everything i picked up was either aki/denji from chainsaw man (i am finally reaping the benefits of the anime amplifying my csm otp. not a fan of the anime, but i will take the doujin where denji looks sufficiently scrungy) or lauda/guel from gundam: witch from mercury (somehow!! the most enduring thing about gwitch for me was the goddamn incest...). i'm very excited to have them all in my hands! (●ˇ∀ˇ●)

i know it's very much a cultural (and legal) difference between how eastern and western fandom operates, but i wish japanese fanworks like doujinshi didn't tend to be so ephemeral. there's some shirou/kirei doujin i would love to get my mitts on, but i've had no luck with finding a copy for sale yet. in a beautiful, ideal world, everyone would be able to share their fanworks online without fear of lawsuits or shitty people stealing your hard work.

so much appreciation for how much easier ordering these more niche kinds of goods has gotten as someone overseas! toranoana having a forwarding service they direct you to and surugaya just...machine translating the entire site lmao--they're both quite convenient despite some clumsiness.

i just need to stop eyeballing a lunar series official guidebook on surugaya now...

Media BS

1. hhhhh, i need to get back into the swing with fgo. both summer 6 and gudaguda 6, i binged in the final few days of the event and then read through the event mats. orz i was miserably sick for most of gudaguda 6's runtime, so i guess i can't blame myself too much...
2. i started a new playthrough of pathfinder wotr... i have so many games i should start or should finish, but wotr really worked for me. actually knowing the characters makes it so much funnier when the second line of the entire game is daeran suggesting they dump your body in a ditch.
3. crept back into my tyranny replay as of the other day, but i've just been in too bad of a mood to really game much. i can get obnoxiously irritable before my period, and i know that is what is happening. :|

November 13, 2023

not quite recovered, but fucking woof, i spent the last week absolutely dead with the Maybe Flu. my dad brought something home, and his inability to cough resulted in it spreading per usual. my mom was fortunate enough not to catch it, but rest in pieces, era...

fever, vomiting, congestion, coughing--truly, it was a week to be alive and suffering. i don't think i've been this sick from one bug for a long while. i'm still so tired. even working only a partial day has me readier for a nap than normal.

poor dog also was having health issues this week. something irritated her tail (i don't remember what exactly because my mom told me while i was sick as balls!), and she licked and worried it into a bigger problem. thus, she was stuck with the dreaded cone. she's also doing better!

man, i really did even less than usual last week because i was so sick lmao. on monday, i had gotten started on revising my tagging system in calibre for my library of fic. i had been populating the metadata with whatever the input was on ao3, but it wasn't consistent with the tagging i use on a bookmarking service and that Bothered Me So Much. so despite it being way more effort overall, i caved because hhhhhhh clean and harmonious tagging. :)))

October 22, 2023

long time no blog.

there's a lot i don't feel comfortable voicing on any even slightly public space online, but ahaha...man. if you ever start anything that could be taken as a new religion, please don't involve me. i'm burnt out and will forever be burnt out on that front.

none of it was fun. it all sucked. i'm largely quite over it, but just...yeah lmao. i don't want to experience anything similar again if possible. i didn't like it. ✌️

Media BS

1. shoutout to baldur's gate 3 for being like crack cocaine for all of august. its semi-open-world style is an ideal for me. nicely sized maps with very solid density of things to do. (acts 2 and 3 aren't as strong as act 1 in that regard, but still some of the best balance i've played in a game with an open world.) i wasn't crazy about it to start with, but i've definitely cooled a bit more on it the last two months. fun game! but i'm very underwhelmed by the reactivity on the writing end. larian as a studio has different priorities compared to my preferences in games. which is more than okay, but larian invests on players being able to do whatever they want even to the detriment of the narrative while i would happily sacrifice freedom for a stronger narrative. the fandom is driving me up a goddamn wall with gale discourse of all things, somehow...

June 14, 2023

this last week, christ alive...

so, risperidone was shit for how absurdly fatigued it made me, and hoo boy! it's sibling ziprasidone also came for my ass. i somehow ended up with an obscenely niche side effect of...i don't know what to call it, temporary chronic paresthesia? it was worst in my left hand and made it weirdly sensitive to the point of pain. it's still affecting me now, but it's slowly fading since i stopped taking ziprasidone.

thanks, insurance! i sure am glad that i had to take those before you would consider whether to give me what my psych originally wanted to prescribe!

antipsychotics were sitting so badly with me, though, that my psych decided to hop over to a different class of medication. so i was supposed to have that prescribed to me yesterday, but my insurance is giving me shit again.

i'm so done. this bullshit is just making me even more depressive.

here's to my insurance hopefully not making me go through another round of "here is similar medication that your psych wanted to prescribe you, but not the same one (that she thought would be the best fit for you) because these are cheaper! ❤️

...i just wish i could manage to write. :( finding energy to do anything has been so hard.

Media BS

1. i caught up on witch from mercury. shaddiq/miorine real, and i'm not delusional!
2. i finally started the tv series for gundam 0079. amuro is so cute, and i want him to never know a moment of peace, only child soldier trauma.
3. currently playing a bl visual novel called tokyo onmyoji that i picked up randomly while it was on sale last year. i think my opinion will end up pretty middle of the road, but i am enjoying it well enough thus far.

June 8, 2023

risperidone is going on my medical shitlist alongside prozac. the side effects sucked. i only ended up on it because my insurance refused to cover the medication my psychiatrist originally wanted to prescribe and will only cover it once i've tried two out of four cheaper alternatives, so : ). it made me obscenely fatigued. even taking it hours before bed would still have me tired as fuck and stumbling as i walked into the next afternoon. it was ridiculous. and the wonderful irony of this side effect is that the medication my psych originally wanted to prescribe would have caused insomnia if anything. thanks, insurance! god, i fucking hate the american healthcare system. i'm in a decent state by american standards for this type of stuff, and it still is awful when insurance gets bitchy.

ugh. so i just started the second of these four meds last night. thus far, i am not falling over in exhaustion, and i've yet to really notice any side effects. my mental state has vacillated wildly between apathy and despairing and cranky. i was starting to check discord again, but i might just retreat into hibneration again...

even working on site stuff has just been less than great for me... i'm having a hard time mustering the motivation to do anything or to be content with anything i do create. even getting myself to keep watching an anime so i can canon review and whatnot for my nonconathon fic has been rough. i have a full month until it's due, and i already feel like maybe i should just default because nothing i make will be that good anyway lmao. i really wanted the assignment i got and feel passionately about it when i am more capable of feeling, but going between meds and shit is just...shit.

Media BS

1. fgo was good to me with lb6.1 finally dropping on na. i ended up just binging almost all of it on tuesday since it's not like i was doing anything else through the fatigue. some good tristan moments.
2. currently playing through canto 4 in limbus company. i really don't have the ability to type much more about it.

May 29, 2023

two things for which i hunger:

• to have that e-consult scheduled with the psych i was referred to.
• to get my nonconathon assignment!

as for the first of those, today is both fortunately and unfortunately a holiday here in the states. three-day weekend! nice! but that also means that my doctor's office is not open today. 🫠 not that i want anyone to lose their day off, but i'm basically only not a pile of ruminating mush because i've largely barred myself from going on social media. i would love to talk to my friends on discord (and very much miss doing so), but socialization is such a trigger for my intrusive thoughts. being on something where i can see numbers and start to ruminate weird comparisons between my Social Success and that of others is very...🫠.

neocities can sort of trigger that response, but it's much more muted here despite the greater site's socmed-ish features. redirecting myself back over to coding new pages or whatever is more sufficiently engrossing than me just staring at discord or scrolling idly through tumblr. i've been having a lot of fun working on hymmnos! i'm really glad i picked this up as a hobby after being inspired by my friend syn. i have try and not be too annoying in implying to my friends that they should also learn html and css lmao.

brain has been okay otherwise because i've been so reclusive ultimately. haaaa...fingers crossed i finally hear back about scheduling for that e-consult tomorrow.

as for nonconathon, i reaaaaaally wanna know for sure that i got the assignment i gamed so hard for! it has to be that one, but ahh...i hope assignments get sent out soon!

Media BS

1. i finished fire emblem engage! that last chapter was such a pure cheesefest in the best of ways. certainly not without flaws, but i feel very warmly about engage. much as fe16's blue lions/azure moon is some of my absolute favorite fire emblem stuff in the entire franchise, i think engage is edging fe16 out as a complete product. what a slog the repeat maps were by the end of fe16 for me cannot be understated...
2. currently dragging myself through vol. 1 of the mo dao zu shi novels. i wish i was less picky about prose, but oof...it is a fucking pity still that this was the official localization that we got in english. reading even part of fanyiyi's incomplete translation makes me weep.

May 18, 2023

more regular blogging!! let's get back in the habit!! blog hard or die trying!!

it's been a few months. i'm trying to recall everything that i would have wanted to talk about here…

mental health has been up and down per usual. i think the increased dosage for one of my meds has been giving me brain fog after taking it, so until i hear back from my doctor, i'll keep taking only been taking my evening dose. 🫠 not the ideal choice, but i really can't function through the brain fog. the inconsistent ocd spikes will simply be life for a bit longer…

i'm so happy in other medical news, though! i've never wanted to have children and the mere thought of being pregnant is nauseating to me, so i decided even though i'm ace, fuck it. i'd rather remove the possibility entirely from my life. the surgeon i spoke to for a consult was incredibly nice and and respectful about my decision. it was really refreshing when i hear so many horror stories of people inquiring about tubal ligations and having to fight tooth and nail to get it. less great is that my dad decided he apparently just needs to have his own opinion on my choice despite me being a full-ass adult. oh well for him because i'm looking forward to having this procedure done this summer! 🥰

there is a lot more i wanted to talk about, but i keep putting off on posting a new blog because of that...so this shall be a short little friend to evade further procrastination!

i need to start working on assembling my sign up for nonconathon, too, if i want to do that this year...

March 8, 2023

february was a tiring month. i had a lot of moments where i wanted to update my silly webbed site, but finding the energy and motivation was a lot harder than i would have liked it to be. i'm still a bit in that place mentally. not as severely, but man...i really struggle with pacing myself still. it's very easy for me to become fixated on If I Am Socializing Enough And Doing It Well and that can easily plunge me into rumination hell.

bleh. i'll just keep chugging along as best i can.

also, a moment of silence for my old laptop. poor fucker bit the dust last week...very unfortunately for my wallet as i use my personal laptop at work. rest in pieces, old friend...

Media BS

1. oh boy, gonna try to remember everything i poked at in february for this... let's start recent! i finished ai: the somnium files a few days ago! overall, i liked it, but it has some serious issues for me in the structural and pacing aspects. ota is also fucking awful. fuck ota. date/aiba otp. <3< /li>
2. slow damage! i finally wrapped that up early in february! fujieda's route was excellent, but the real start of the show continues to be the protagonist, towa. simply my favorite nitro+chiral mc. i just wish the release was less unstable. i have never had an official release of a visual novel crash like this one did.
3. keeping up with the visual novels, i also was so determined to not take another month on a long one that i tore through all of baldr sky in two weeks. this is not a choice i recommend to anyone sane. it was fun, though! definitely an eroge, but a very ambitious one.
4. heike monogatari is an utterly gorgeous anime, and if you can binge it in a single day (it's only 11 episodes), it concludes beautifully.
5. okay, i'm blanking on much else, but i did also start playing limbus company and am currently reading a script extraction of kagetsu tohya.

February 2, 2023

cell phones and variable screen sizes were the absolute worst thing that ever happened to the internet and were a personal attack on me because god, i do not enjoy coding responsive designs. visual art is not my strong suit in general, so having to then ensure my slight bits of creativity are feasible on mobile is just...pain peko. i'm dying, squirtle. put me out of my misery.

i am still happy that i did try coding a 2.0! i'm still so new at coding html and css, but it's really been a fun ride thus far, and boy...directing my online energy into making something for myself like this site is far better for me mentally than refreshing twitter lmao. much as i do miss getting to chat with some twitter mutuals, i am glad i have actually succeeded at detaching from twitter as much as i have. i disliked like every change Certain New Leadership was making and just didn't enjoy knowing extremely unsavory folks were being permitted back on the site. tumblr is a nicer alternative for my microblogging needs... the fact it doesn't have a little number that pops up to tell me exactly how many likes or retweets/reblogs i've gotten is waaay less abusive to my brain.

in other news, i really need to adult up and contact my doctor. i need to get back on birth control. the week or so prior to my period has been rife with extreme lethargy and brutal headaches for me the last two months... adulting...i'm gonna adult...yeah.

Media BS

1. my bob's burgers rewatch is technically ongoing because i did finish watching everything...but i felt like i didn't really absorb everything from s10-13 too well, and bob's burgers is such good background noise...so i'm in the process of rewatching all of that again lmao.
2. i intended to finish slow damage at the start of january. it is not the start of february, and i still have the vast majority of fujieda's route to go...ha...ha...sob.
3. i continue to read some sherlock holmes short stories! i can't say i have much to comment on them individually, but i've been enjoying it.

January 14, 2023

i don't know what the hell i caught, but it's some kind of unholy spawn made by shoving stomach issues and a horrid headache in a pot and then shaking it like the pot is my head and my brain is inside it because that's how i feel when i move. i am so tired, and i think i unintentionally uninstalled discord on my phone last night??? it's...gone. poof.

i think i'm going to haul myself upstairs to maybe try and do more notetaking for mental health stuff because i find that soothing. even though i've been in headache hell, my brain is like BUT WHEN DID YOU LAST TALK TO PEOPLE, and i would prefer not to ruminate right now. i have a gun pointed at mental illness, and i will shoot.

Media BS

1. at the height of my wooziness, i blitzed through volume 5 of tgcf. pray for grandpa. he's a good grandpa.
2. i've been doing one of those substack things for all the sherlock holmes short stories throughout this year, and the first two have been fun enough!
3. bob's burgers good comfort for ill brain.

January 1, 2023

happy new year! really kind of wild to be in 2023! so much of 2022 was viewed through the haze of anxiety and dissociation for me as my mental health dipped and dipped until it bottomed out completely by the end of july and into august. what a time of suicidal ideation that was...not good times...not good times at all. it's still a slow climb up from that nadir, and it will continue to be an ongoing slow climb up, but i'm honestly pretty happy going into 2023! i feel...not so much hopeful as i guess optimistic? which is a massive improvement for me, and i want to continue that trend!

so a very hearty and sincere happy new year to anyone reading this! i wish the best of health and joy to you in 2023! i hope it is a kind year to us all.

my new years eve was really comfortable. amanda came over and spent the night. we played lots of board games and did our yearly die hard rewatch while my cat stared at us from a safe distance. it's a hard life when you are an over-sized infant torn between your fear of this random human and your need for mommy pets. it was a really nice night, and AHHHHHH!!! MY FGO LUCK WAS INSANE!!! but i'll screech about that in like...a few lines lol!

Media BS

1. SHIROUMASA CAME HOME IN FGO. HE CAME HOME SIX TIMES. IT WAS ACTUALLY INSANE. MY DISGUSTING WEBPAGE CATALYST WORKED. I HAVE NP6 BECAUSE I GOT TWO OF HIM IN BOTH MY INITIAL AND FINAL PULLS WHERE HE SHOWED UP. ACTUALLY BONKERS!!! SHIROUUUUU, I LOVE YOUUUUUU. i've maxed all of his skills and append skills. he is only lvl 94 for now until i get enough grails. i miscounted so badly when i started taking nobukatsu past lvl 100! AND NEW YEARS KIREI ACTUALLY WAS REAL ON JP??? i owe nasu my life. once i finish reading tsukihime and have refreshed myself on fsn, i'm going to write the disgusting shikoto fic i promised if new years kirei was real. i was hedging my bets on saber!kirei being feasible before he turned out to be an alter ego and bucked hte new years saber > foreigner > saber > foreigner pattern, so my initial idea was the super simple "fsn au but other half of otp gets summoned by otp" since that would play way too easily with fsn!shirou already summoning saber lol. ...i still want to do it, though. it'd mostly just be an excuse for gross and degenerate otp nonsense. ANYWAY, IF SHIKOTO ISN'T REAL, THEN WHY FGO???
2. still working my way through ciel's route in tsukihime. kind of impressive how into arcueid shiki seems even on ciel's route lmao.
3. i sort of threw on the fourth season of the dragon prince as background noise since eh, i like claudia and her family (even if soren is now a loser because he stopped desperately craving daddy's love and fulfilling my need for more incest). her new boyfriend is okay when he isn't being a fart joke, and while the show's presentation has improved, i still do not give a singular fuck about anyone that isn't claudia, viren, or soren. this show is an incest vehicle for me. claudia, please dump fart boy and date your dad!

December 28, 2022

i want to get in the habit of blogging here even when my mental health is not crying quietly while stretched out on the floor, face down and refusing to get up.

so, ahhh, let's see...i haven't been writing really, but that's okay because i just haven't been much in the mood and haven't felt like forcing it. my eye pain is on and off and hitting particularly right now. i don't really enjoy having to ask my mom to walk our dog in the afternoon in place of me, but just getting through work and then my hour-long commute home is trying. orz

Media BS

1. blitzed through volumes 3 and 4 of grandpa (aka heaven official's blessing). the translation's prose still leaves a lot to be desired from me, but i'm sufficiently invested in my beloved grandpa and his eventual husband. c'mon, xie lian! poor hua cheng has the most obvious crush on you!
2. i read through all of arcueid's route in the original tsukihime. her vampire brain is full of rocks, and i want her to be happy!!
3. i also binge read all of the narutaru manga, and woof. woof. narutaru. hoshimaru is so shaped, and i'm obsessed with when he just randomly is shown grabbing a pack of cigarettes and then sitting with an unlit one in his mouth. i love him...
4. i cleared the first chapter of slow damage as well. really dig its presentation, though i'm mourning that the old man with the tiddy cleavage is not a route option. this is clearly a personal slight against me.

December 18, 2022

i am trying to be healthier towards myself, but it's really hard when my default instinct is to apologize repeatedly out of fear of people abandoning me (that i get this way even towards my best friend of many years is concerning [my instinct is to preface that with "probably" even though it is undoubtedly definite]). i'm 29, went through an intensive out-patient program earlier this year, and yet...the mental illness. it's such a long unlearning process even once you're past the actively suicidal phase of it. it really would be easier to die in a lot of regards, but i don't want to die really. i love my cat and friends...i don't really want to die.

that's still a bit weird, to be honest. trying not to view "i want to die" as a morbid comfort is...hard? i'm still going pretty dang well since august in not self-harming in emotionally overwhelming situations. (i'm pretty proud tbh. the urge is pretty strong lmao.)

Media BS

1. i really liked omori. i seem to blank on further thoughts whenever i'm at a moment where i could speak more about it, but i really liked omori. aubrey is my girl...
2. reading vol. 3 of heaven official's blessing rn. the tl continues to be...eh? it's mid. i just love my grandpa...

December 11, 2022

it is so, so, so, so, so frustrating trying to emotionally process any type of negative feeling for me, or working myself out mentally when i hit a brick wall and am Done. i don't want people to coddle and baby me. i don't want people to fuss over me. i think i've hit a point currently where i just want to be told that "all right, that's fine" and then be allowed to split because i want to be alone. i can barely process my own emotions in a healthy way much less deal at the same time with being conscious of how i'm acting to anyone near me. i just want to be alone!! leave me alone!! i don't want to reassure you or need to explain how i'm feeling and why. i just want to be alone so that i can actually fucking recharge.

i overexerted myself socially this weekend. ヾ(•ω•`)o

Media BS

1. polished off yugioh s0. miho is the best character and i love her. otherwise, there honestly isn't too much that fans are missing with s0. i really am not a fan of ogata megumi as yugi either lol. i like her atem/yami, but i do not like her yugi.
2. dropped the kubikiri cycle anime partway into episode 2. i'd rather reread the novel for the first time in yeaaars before trying to watch it again.
3. i'm playing omori right now. i'm very much enjoying it.

December 2, 2022

i'm fine. and then i'm not.

and, wow, does that sound like a familiar refrain for anyone with mental illness lmao. part of me is kind of anxious that any long-term stability is essentially mythological for me because i was doing well for a few weeks after i left the iop program i had been doing, and now... am i just not putting enough effort into being "better"? haaa, i feel like i am; i'm just still improving on like...accepting when i need to withdraw from people for my own sake. my intrusive thoughts really want me to go banging on the door of anyone who will listen for validation, but i also really want some space. (even when i'm not too interested in...i guess "progressing" a relationship with an acquaintance to a closer friendship, i feel weird and anxious about it. this being despite the fact i struggle to keep up with all my friends as is.)

i always feel pretty silly when i complain about "waaah, i have too many friends!!" but i honestly if that is true? i have no sane metric for "am i being social a Normal Amount," and like, wow, that is an insane thing to fixate on and serves no real purpose beyond having once been a coping mechanism for me in the past.

oh well! i just need to be optimistic and not let myself sink down into the comforting pit of Depressive Wallowing. i got my med back in my system, and my intrusive thoughts will definitely be less obnoxious if i can tough it out a bit more!!

Media BS

1. finished yu yu hakusho! three kings arc...was okay (and had far too little kuwabara), but i definitely enjoyed finally finishing off the anime! shounen good for the late-20s adult woman brain...
2. intrusive thoughts have driven me off even tumblr for the day, so i rolled again and now i'm plugging through heian-kyo in fgo. kintoki is so precious. i love him... and i finally managed to roll a copy of tsuna!! sure, i rolled another douman copy while fishing, but move over, clown. yet another saber is home for me. ❤️

November 30, 2022

1. i've finally had my med back for about two-ish days now. it's hard to tell if my anxiety and ocd are being a bit better managed now or if it's just the placebo effect because i am so relieved to be taking it again. i can sort of be social again, but my intrusive thoughts still aren't great.
2. in good news! i am super pumped that i should have my car paid off in a few months finally! it's still running well, so i hopefully won't have to worry about replacing it for awhile longer yet!

Media BS

1. currently about halfway through the second volume of heaven official's blessing. xie lian is still my cute grandpa doing his best (even when he might have done crimes). no bulli. the basic beats are an entertaining enough read thus far, but i feel like that is partly just me having given up on reading that closely. the writing basically spells out everything, so i don't really need to think much. i should probably be kinder on the quality of the prose considering that it originated as a webnovel and those are intended for quick and easy consumption, but...eh. i wouldn't have stuck with it if not for the fact i promised my best friend i'd read all of mxtx's books in exchange for her reading chainsaw man.
2. yu yu hakusho got rolled once i finished that first volume of tgcf. i was already about halfway through it (right by the end of the dark tournament arc), and currently, i have about 15 or so episodes left before i can polish the whole show off. it has been nice getting to watch hunter x hunter's big brother! yusuke/kuwabara is ridiculously real... they both did the "dying (or seeming to die) to make the other power up in a fit of extreme emotion"! they love each other!! ;_;

November 26, 2022

1. i miss my other med. i miss it a lot. i miss it, tails. i miss it like it's my wife, like it's my child, like it's my dignity. i miss it.
2. seriously my brain just fucking sucks right now, and i don't enjoy dipping out of basically every social interaction, but i'm dodging and weaving ocd triggers like an olympic athlete.
3. i'm half looking forward to work on monday because at least that is something to fill the day that isn't me just hoping i can get my refill soon. i am unsurprisingly sleeping a lot more now that the withdrawal has fully hit my brain.

Media BS

1. i finished dragalia lost. it was tremendously charming. what a fantastic localization. it had all the charm i would love to see in a classic jrpg. the ending made me cry a bit, and ahhh, the royal family of alberia...my children... i just think emile would make a great communal family hole! he craves attention of any sort, so i think this would be a good and appropriate use of him. u_u (and would also make him shut up.)
2. my desperation to have something occupy my mind has led me to make a list of everything i have started and not finished and roll a die to decide which one to dive into. orz
3. code vein won the first die roll! ...and then i hit the cathedral and had put overall fifteen hours into the game, and i'm just...not having that much fun. making my silly anime vampire girl was entertaining (and what convinced me to buy the game was the character creator lmao), but the writing is lackluster and the presentation has leaned into the cheese in a way that appeals to me. i don't like the gameplay of soulslikes, as well, so i had been using mods to make it less of a slog. code vein is just not a game for me, so i'm fighting past my completitionism to tuck it away.
4. rolled the die again, and i guess now i'm gonna finally finish reading the first volume of heaven official's blessing. i need to read all of mxtx's books at some point per my agreement with my best friend (assuming she even finishes chainsaw man as i am owed :v). the very bland prose doesn't really absorb me, but i like grandpa xie lian in tgcf. he's a good grandpa...nobody be mean to him.

November 23, 2022

1. i miss my other med. :(
2. i keep pingponging on if i want to copy these journal entries over to my dreamwidth (so that it can get some actual use beyond fic exchanges), but i am Weirdly Spooked by the thought of my thoughts being more...accessible? not that this site is locked or anything, but it feels a bit more private. ...but i also will just toss random thoughts up on tumblr or twitter, so it's some kind of weird mental sense of...idek. 😔
3. mostly journaling here today because it helps curb my brain vibrating for social interaction because i know it's going to stress me out hardcore rn. hhhhhhhh.

Media BS

1. ohhh that delicious serotonin rush of rolling gacha. i got the clown in fgo. he is leveled. i still need to start heian-kyo, and i don't want to put it off for months like i did with lb5.1 and 5.2 (atlantis is easily one of my favorite story experiences this year), but i want to finish reading dragalia lost first. ibuki banner soon...
2. just a few more nodes to be totally done with sn in arknights.

November 22, 2022

let's see how much of a habit i can make out of...journaling basically lmao. might be decent for my mental health, might not!

1. my brain is not loving the Chemical Imbalance™ that's resulted from my meds getting screwed up. i still have no idea how i might have lost the bottle. i got the refill...put it in my purse...and then it was just gone by the time i got home. zero fucking clue where it went, and i had no luck finding it no matter how much i searched. i've been denied a sooner refill twice by my doctor lmao. i didn't think that this would hit my brain too bad (it wasn't my ssri thankfully), but BOY AM I FEELING IT NOW MR. KRABS. my ocd is definitely worse now.
2. i keep wanting to social...and then immediately feeling overwhelmed when i do. i really need my other med back in my system because i am not coping well with intrusive thoughts otherwise.
3. twitter is...somehow now even stressful for me, even on desktop where i use a script to remove all the trending and annoying things. just knowing bigots are being reinstated by apartheid clyde kind of sucks. i don't like uncertainty either, so it would be great if the site could either straighten our or just die.
4. i'm probably just going to go to bed once i get home from work again. make myself walk the dog and take a shower, then crawl into bed.

Media BS

1. i watched a story compilation of halo reach on the rec of a friend. i've never played a halo game really--the most was some of i think halo 2's multiplayer at my cousins' house when i was a lot younger? the framing impressively mimicked war films, and that you first come into the game looking out through noble six's visor before the camera draws back to a 3rd-person pov and then it ends watching through six's cracked and abandoned helmet as he fights to his final moments...halo can hit some really solid emotional beats.
2. been reading through more of dragalia lost's main story campaign. probably about a chapter or so away from being halfway through it all. the localization really impressives me in how nicely and distinctly the dialogue is. it has a lot of personality despite the characterizations being relatively limited (in the main story at least. i don't know how much various side characters are expanded in other game material). the incest is so real. euden is my little incest harem protagonist...
3. i watched all of house of the dragon's first season. mostly as background noise, tbh. i didn't expect too much out of it, and i'm admittedly guaraded against investing myself in it because of how hard game of thrones burned me. the production is lovely from the visuals to the direction to the acting. really well done on that aspect! the writing...is more of a mixed bag. i understand that the show was trying to give the required backstory so that it could hit the "historical" events it wanted to show, but fucking woof at that pacing. inconsistent as all hell. i mostly just cared about alicent, alicent, and alicent. she's fantastic and the most cohesive character across the show thus far. she is probably going to end up on my character page lmao.