|Listening||castle in the mist from ico|
i'm fine. and then i'm not.
and, wow, does that sound like a familiar refrain for anyone with mental illness lmao. part of me is kind of anxious that any long-term stability is essentially mythological for me because i was doing well for a few weeks after i left the iop program i had been doing, and now... am i just not putting enough effort into being "better"? haaa, i feel like i am; i'm just still improving on like...accepting when i need to withdraw from people for my own sake. my intrusive thoughts really want me to go banging on the door of anyone who will listen for validation, but i also really want some space. (even when i'm not too interested in...i guess "progressing" a relationship with an acquaintance to a closer friendship, i feel weird and anxious about it. this being despite the fact i struggle to keep up with all my friends as is.)
i always feel pretty silly when i complain about "waaah, i have too many friends!!" but i honestly if that is true? i have no sane metric for "am i being social a Normal Amount," and like, wow, that is an insane thing to fixate on and serves no real purpose beyond having once been a coping mechanism for me in the past.
oh well! i just need to be optimistic and not let myself sink down into the comforting pit of Depressive Wallowing. i got my med back in my system, and my intrusive thoughts will definitely be less obnoxious if i can tough it out a bit more!!