December 2, 2022

i'm fine. and then i'm not.

and, wow, does that sound like a familiar refrain for anyone with mental illness lmao. part of me is kind of anxious that any long-term stability is essentially mythological for me because i was doing well for a few weeks after i left the iop program i had been doing, and now... am i just not putting enough effort into being "better"? haaa, i feel like i am; i'm just still improving on like...accepting when i need to withdraw from people for my own sake. my intrusive thoughts really want me to go banging on the door of anyone who will listen for validation, but i also really want some space. (even when i'm not too interested in...i guess "progressing" a relationship with an acquaintance to a closer friendship, i feel weird and anxious about it. this being despite the fact i struggle to keep up with all my friends as is.)

i always feel pretty silly when i complain about "waaah, i have too many friends!!" but i honestly if that is true? i have no sane metric for "am i being social a Normal Amount," and like, wow, that is an insane thing to fixate on and serves no real purpose beyond having once been a coping mechanism for me in the past.

oh well! i just need to be optimistic and not let myself sink down into the comforting pit of Depressive Wallowing. i got my med back in my system, and my intrusive thoughts will definitely be less obnoxious if i can tough it out a bit more!!

Media BS

1. finished yu yu hakusho! three kings arc...was okay (and had far too little kuwabara), but i definitely enjoyed finally finishing off the anime! shounen good for the late-20s adult woman brain...
2. intrusive thoughts have driven me off even tumblr for the day, so i rolled again and now i'm plugging through heian-kyo in fgo. kintoki is so precious. i love him... and i finally managed to roll a copy of tsuna!! sure, i rolled another douman copy while fishing, but move over, clown. yet another saber is home for me. <3