Published: March 24, 2024.
Words: 653.
Chapters: 1/1.
Summary:
"You…" When Astarion finally begins to speak, crafting his raw emotions into words proves a challenge. He'd prefer to relay his sense of betrayal to Esca's head with his fists. In dumbfounded disbelief, he simply asks, "You threw Cazador off?"
Esca glances between Astarion and the spot where he shoved Cazador. "Yep. It seemed like the most efficient option."
Notes:
because you used to be able to cheese the cazador fight by pushing him off the edge before it was patched out. astarion needs that body for magical ceremony purposes!
ft. my durge, esca.
On AO3.
In a moment which amasses all that is terrible and obnoxious in the world, Astarion witnesses the chosen champion of foolish motherfuckers ascend to the title. There, seen in Astarion's periphery, he believes he can trust Esca to handle himself against Cazador, and he believes that he can trust Esca to comprehend that Astarion needs possession of Cazador's body, but no such mercy exists against the divine luck of idiots. Esca affirms that he is, indeed, a recovering lobotomite for as he nears Cazador, rather than delivering a killing blow, Esca thrusts a hand out and shoves Cazador off the edge. Esca watches for a moment or two, then promptly turns around with that passively moronic look on his face to help mop up the remainder goons under Cazador's sway.
And for those long, long, long minutes spent swiping at bats and backstabbing undead Gur, Astarion stews, stirring as to not boil over preemptively and salting to taste.
No enemies left. Esca claps his hands like yes, that is a job complete and goes to pat down bodies for any valuables, seemingly oblivious to the rage threatening to rip Astarion apart at the seams.
"You…" When Astarion finally begins to speak, crafting his raw emotions into words proves a challenge. He'd prefer to relay his sense of betrayal to Esca's head with his fists. In dumbfounded disbelief, he simply asks, "You threw Cazador off?"
Esca glances between Astarion and the spot where he shoved Cazador. "Yep. It seemed like the most efficient option."
"It did seem efficient," Shadowheart echoes, standing beside Esca but not so detached as to be gleefully searching the undead's pockets.
"And that it was. He would have been annoying otherwise, I think."
"Probably. The whole turning-into-mist trick would have dragged out the entire affair."
"Better to take the initiative when you have it."
"Most certainly."
The echo chamber breaks itself apart for Esca to ask Astarion, "Was that a bad idea?"
"W…was that a bad idea!?" Astarion's voice peaks. "Your crustacean-wannabe sister had it right when she shoved a knife in your skull! You utter imbecile, you complete buffoon, you moronic donkey--of course that was a bloody awful idea! The worst I've witnessed you have--and I've seen you put dead, succubus-tainted spider meat in your mouth not once, but twice! Are you able to dig back in that tiny, infinitesimal brain of yours and recall anything I told you about Cazador? Or did it all slide right out to make more space for that happy echo of murderous urges you keep in there? Yes, I needed Cazador's body, Esca--and you fucking pushed him into a chasm!"
Esca presses his lips together, like he's entertaining a thought, then shrugs. "My bad."
"Your bad."
"My bad. I won't do it again."
How wonderful. The next time Astarion requires aid in hunting down and killing his vampiric sire without throwing the body down a dark chasm, he can know that Esca will definitely be reliable.
"Maybe you can fish him up," Esca suggests.
"Where do you expect me to find hundreds of meters of rope, Esca!?"
Before Esca can doubtlessly reply with something inane about Cazador not falling to the bottom of what is clearly a very deep hole, Karlach interrupts, "Well, fuck me, I can see him!"
This is how Astarion ends up on his belly, Karlach flashing a thumbs up before gripping his ankles, and eases himself over and down the precipice so that he can retrieve Cazador's corpse from the small outcropping of rock it caught on. The bastard is deceptively heavy in Astarion's arms, but Karlach pulls them both up to safety with a smile. Over in the center of the platform, Esca continues to search the crevices of zombies for spare change as Shadowheart watches over his shoulder.
All this while Astarion's siblings act as an unwanted audience, bound to their sacrificial posts.